Last week, visiting Kooring Bookshop with my daughter I bought the DVD the movie Courageous:
http://www.courageousthemovie.com/ I had read the book already, but not yet watched the movie, which my wife and I did last Saturday evening in the peaceful surroundings of our living room. I enjoyed the movie. It surely has a good message.
In 1988 at a Women's League Day in Albany, I had a speech, which had as title "Mother, where are you?" In that speech I addressed the issue of working mothers, at times at the expense of the raising of their children.
Equally the question could be asked, "Fathers, where are you?" Do you spend time with your children and do you give them the attention they need. At times, they can be craving for this attention even by showing a negative attitude.
I don't put this question, as if I myself was always such a good Dad. Looking back at my own life, I realize I could have spent more time with my children. At times church work took priority, of which in hindsight I wonder: was it right?
True, we are on this earth, not in the first place for ourselves. Our priority should be "God above all!"
Over the years, however, I have come to realize that this should never be at the cost of the family. At the various marriage enrichment camps I have been alllowed to run, I teach the following:
In order of priority:
God comes above all
Then your spouse
Then your children
Then your work (including church work)
Of course then at times an elder has to suffer precious family time, when he has to go on a home-visit or antoher visit, yet this should never go at the expense of being a good Dad. I admit that this is a learning curve, especailly when life is hectic. But a Dad should spend time with his children and also as a husband with his wife. Though I always have tried to do this, I also realize I could have been there more. The movie surely re-affirmed this.
Why this personal confession in public? In sharing we can learn from each other and help each other.
Not so long ago I advised an elder, who celebrated his wedding anniversary on a day, when at night there was a consistory meeting, to skip this meeting and to take his wife out for dinner instead. After all, caring well for your wife is as much kingdom work as attending a consistory meeting, where once in a while you can be missed, since there are other priorities. Likewise, this could be done occasionally when a child needs his of her Dad.
Many fathers looking back upon life will admit that they could have done a better job. At the same time, however, the most important lesson we can teach our children is the example we give them: living a life for and with the LORD. Can children see in the life of their parents that love for the LORD determines their life in everything, e.g. also in the way we live our life as husband and wife in marriage.
Finally, don't think your job as a father is done, when all the children have left home. As I read it in the guideline that comes with the movie: as long as your children are still your children, you are remain their father, a father also for your married children. They too still need their father. This never stops!
Grieving parents
I would also like to address those who are grieving about children, who have left the church. So often we blame ourselves: If only I had done this or done that. And perhaps there are things we could have done differently. Yet the main thing is: we cannot give our children faith. If only we could, but wer can't! Yet why do children, covenant children, at times turn their back upon God, leaving the church, breaking also the hearts of their parents.
In John 10 : 29, the Lord Jesus says,
"No one can snatch them out of my Father's hand." But what about these
children of God, baptised in front of the church, young members who full of
enthusiasm confessed their faith, but who strayed away from the church,
following the lusts of their own sinful flesh. Was Satan able to snatch these
lambs out of Christ’s hands?
Many a parent who has a child that no longer goes
to church struggles with this very question. It’s a very difficult question, to
which I don’t have a clear-cut answer. Yet the promise of John 10 stands and to
that promise parents may cling, as long as we live in today’s grace. For those
children are still God’s children to whom God gave promises, and therefore
there is always a way back. God is a God full of mercy.
A few years ago, I read a
meditation on the passage where David cries out his heart when Absalom had
died. He cries out, “O my son Absalom, if only I had died in your place.”
David’s arms were too short to reach his son. How often don’t we have that
same feeling, when children stray away from the Lord. Our arms are too short
to help them. Yet, there is One, who arms are never too short to help.
The Good Shepherd died so that
His sheep might live. He laid down His life for the flock. And so, where we no
longer can reach our children, He can. We can’t give our children faith. Yet He
can through His Spirit. His love goes out also to those lost sheep. He let His
body be nailed on the cross also for them. He gave His life for us and our
children. That’s the promise parents may plead with.
No, this promise does not
mean that our children will always walk in the ways of the Lord. When they grow
up they also have their own responsibility to make the right choices. Yet as
long as there is life and we live in today’s grace, there is hope. Then we may
fold our hands, day and night, to lay the names of our children in the hands of
this Shepherd, praying,
“Lord, we often feel so
helpless. Lord, we raised our children with many sins and weaknesses. Yet they
are still Thine, O Lord, and therefore wilt Thou keep them safe.”
“Loving Shepherd, ever near
Teach Thy lambs Thy voice to hear
Suffer not their steps to stray
From the straight and narrow way.
Where Thou leadest may they
go,
Walking in Thy steps below;
Then, before Thy Father’s
throne,
Saviour, claim them for Thine
own.”
